Did you have a great big conversion to the Catholic Faith? Were you visited by angels in your time of need? Has the Lord or His Mother ever spoken to you or revealed their desires to you clearly? If so, I'm a bit envious.
At the start I should say, I know with great gifts comes great responsibility. I do understand that. But sometimes, while I'm slogging away in the trenches of my own faith and trust in God, I wish I could just be more certain. I want to see the angel, hear the voice, be struck dumb by awe and gratitude. (Those who know me personally would like to see me struck dumb for other reasons...)
And yet, I know that sometimes the answer is no, especially when we are praying for things that God knows we are not ready to receive. Given that I struggle to get even a mustard seed's worth of faith, I couldn't really take the big stuff.
I wish I could trust God and His Mercy. I find myself stuck going over my sins of the past, wondering if I have ever remembered to confess them. Then I write them down in my little book, in code in case I die before I get to confession. I confess. I receive absolution. I do my penance. I shred the paper. But I feel stuck in the same place.
And that's just it. Plain old me still wants to wallow in the dirt I made. I really don't want it, but that's where I am. I want to trust. I want the big faith.
So I slog along in my conversion. It would give me comfort to know that others feel the same. Lent is a time for slogging through the weeds. Isn't it?
At the start I should say, I know with great gifts comes great responsibility. I do understand that. But sometimes, while I'm slogging away in the trenches of my own faith and trust in God, I wish I could just be more certain. I want to see the angel, hear the voice, be struck dumb by awe and gratitude. (Those who know me personally would like to see me struck dumb for other reasons...)
And yet, I know that sometimes the answer is no, especially when we are praying for things that God knows we are not ready to receive. Given that I struggle to get even a mustard seed's worth of faith, I couldn't really take the big stuff.
I wish I could trust God and His Mercy. I find myself stuck going over my sins of the past, wondering if I have ever remembered to confess them. Then I write them down in my little book, in code in case I die before I get to confession. I confess. I receive absolution. I do my penance. I shred the paper. But I feel stuck in the same place.
And that's just it. Plain old me still wants to wallow in the dirt I made. I really don't want it, but that's where I am. I want to trust. I want the big faith.
So I slog along in my conversion. It would give me comfort to know that others feel the same. Lent is a time for slogging through the weeds. Isn't it?
2 comments:
Ditto!
If you want to trust, then trust :) Sometimes the hardest part is just learning how to let go of everything and to just simply BE. In the end, what matters most is our trust in God, through which our faith grows and our light shines. Everyday I remind myself that no matter what happens, no matter what God has planned for me, all that matters is that there IS a God, and He loves me and wants me to love him back even through all my MANY imperfections! Some days are definitely harder than others! I can see you have a great and deep faith in God, He does give you some of the "big stuff", you just haven't realized it yet :) Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
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